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Get more at tomboytara.com!
Also check out Emily Ragozzino's books on Amazon.com:
Dear ET’s,
A professional athlete apologizes to the world for the indiscretions most men would kill to enjoy given half a chance to walk in his shoes for a day. With nuclear proliferation becoming a significantly real possibility it’s no wonder that what’s troubling most people is the latest engineered scandals surrounding American Idol. People go to jail in China for trying to speak freely, warlords in Africa spend money on guns and ammunition to subdue starving populations, American citizens are flying planes into IRS buildings and yet Canadians are the bad guys for respecting the rights and traditions of an indigenous people to hunt seals. If these aren’t the signs of an impending apocalypse I don’t know what would classify as such.
People always wonder how it is great civilizations fall. They can’t wrap their minds around how it is humans can build things as great as pyramids and some how lose it all in the shuffle of life. Folks wonder how the idea of Rome that could reach as far as the known world gets reduced to nothing more than some rubble in the Mediterranean. Folks sit around watching endless episodes of the Discovery and History Channel talking about the lost civilization of Atlantis and are awe struck with one simple question: How could people so advanced vanish off the face of the planet with out a trace? If you take a look around and are truly honest you will find the answer. We are Atlantis, we are Egypt, we are Babylon, and we most definitely are Rome. We are at that arc in time where we have every possibility to create a free and truly emancipated society but are consistently steering towards tyranny and destruction instead. And we think now like every great civilization that surpassed the last that we are so much better than they as we fall into their very decline. The hypocrisy of the human spirit seems to be the only thing that endures the ages and until they find the gene for that everything else is pretty useless. The world is exactly the same place it always was…and if you take a good look around you will see that it is.
So here is a seriously fed up earthling sending out a digital message in a bottle to any forms of life not of this world. If you have an army please invade us as we are most likely to kill ourselves and the greater part of complex life on this planet if you don’t. Mankind has always welcomed tyrants in the past so rest assured you like the Pharaohs, Alexander, Caesar, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, and Hitler will receive little if any resistance upon your arrival. In fact, you will probably be welcomed with open arms. After all, every time someone shows up saying “peace and love” all we do is kill them so your chances of success will be far greater if you show up in spooky ships just like in the movies. If you don’t already have them I’m sure you can abduct Steven Spielberg or James Cameron to help you guys out, after all they’ve both won Oscars and it’s time they take one for the team. This should be rather easy for people who can travel light years. If you folks from another world don’t believe me then take a look at the history books of our world…they are filled with revolutions that produce emperors and dictators. But if you ask most earthlings they’ll tell you that even though that’s how it’s written that’s not how it really happened. Another sign of the end of another great civilization: lie, lie, and when all else fails DENY.
Yours Truly,
A Fed up Earthling
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Also check out Emily Ragozzino's books on Amazon.com:
Dear the Late Billy Mays,
I hope this letter finds you in infomercial heaven, where the couches are comfy and the Oxi is Clean.
I know it is technically too late, but I still feel that I need to express my feelings.
First I would like you to know that I still think you are the best infomercial pitch-man that has ever interrupted my TV program. I have always hated commercials, especially those that try to sell me something. However, ever since the first time you yelled at me about how my stains could be lifted and my whites could be whiter, I was hooked. After you moved from OxiClean, onto Kaboom, then to Mighty Putty, I knew I had stumbled across something special. Let’s just say, when you yelled…I listened.
Secondly, in regards to who some people would call your competition, that being “Vince from Sham-Wow” or “Vince from Slap Chop”, I don’t think he’s even in the same league. First of all, when you passed it was a sad occasion, however, Vince’s time in the sun, was due to the issue he had with a hooker and some assault charges; a situation made worse by him saying “you’re gonna slap your troubles away”. That right there is what I would call a poor choice of words. Vince just doesn’t do it for me in the infomercial world, he wears a useless and idiotic looking head-set microphone and he looks like he may have had a stroke at some point, one side of his face looking slightly paralyzed. Vince couldn’t sell me water in the desert. I dare say he would have a hard time selling me the antidote to a flesh eating bacteria I was infected with because if I bought it from him and lived, I’d still have to see and listen to him…Tough choice.
In summation, I would like to thank you for the hours of enjoyment you have provide me, even if I have never bought any of your products, though I would like to try them all. I just wish the doctors had caught your health issues earlier, and then maybe they could have fixed your arteries with Mighty Putty…
Wishing you the best in the infomercial afterlife,
Kyle
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by Kate Russell
Unamused, he sat in the easy chair, stiff with dogma, eyes burning a hole in the television.
The godless comedy and the laughter of the theatre of people who watched it, prodded the caged rage in his heart. By his birth certificate, he was nineteen, but the drawstring-like lines around his taught, disapproving mouth, gave the impression of someone far older. Blob would not find this sinfulness funny. Where was their shame? The world had gone to hell in a hand basket and it seemed he was one of the only few left were willing to fight against the sinners.
He reached for the holy book. Closing his eyes in silent prayer, he thumbed the pages for divine inspiration. The soft, well worn purity of the paper beneath his fingers delighted him and he shivered a little inside as his finger fell upon the phrase. 87:5. "Inflame their hearts with the terror of BLOB!"
Clapping his sweaty hands in glee at this confirmation, he turned off the television, placed the holy book in his pocket and paced to the garage. The petroleum can flickered red under the blinking halogen light, just enough to illuminate something else crawling along the floor before it burnt out. Unsure if the moving object was snake or insect, he reached for his lighter with curious malaise...
The blast sent the neighbours running. They squinted to find clues amongst the raging flames, but overlooked the book, smoldering on the floor. The back cover had been lost in the blast, but one verse clearly remained.
100003.6. "Useth not a naked flame around petroleum."
It was a shame he had always distrusted the modern part of the scriptures, for it seemed that Blob did have a sense of humour after all.
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Sometimes life gets so hectic that we forget that it gets that way for just about everybody. We take for granted that we aren't alone in our miscommunications and relationship hiccups. Adam Pike's short film The Loving Dead (2007, 12min) really illustrates that things can get complicated for the most simplest of creatures...yep even zombies got it bad. In his film two newly undead have trouble figuring out love, relationships, and their place in the scheme of undead living. Needless to say this makes for a lot of miscommunication and incredibly creepy laughs. But, what you wouldn't expect is that this quirky movie would relate to that bigger picture in life. Once you strip down the zombie make up and overall weirdness of intestine eating, you find that maybe you got more in common with these zombies than you initially anticipated.
Zombie romance may be problem ridden at first glance but beneath all that is the fleshy zest of true romance. It's those quirks, problems, and off beat moments that make relationships great. Imagine inhaling with out exhaling and the utter impossibility of being able to live that way. Contemplate running for miles with no end in sight and how that's sure to kill the most super hero like athlete. For a moment, envision diving into the ocean and seeing all of its underwater splendour but never being able to come up for air. That's what life without problems or annoying interludes must be like. No one ever considers that life's little problems can actually act as a reminder of how wonderful regular life is. That little word battle with your parent that eventually subsides is there to show you that Mom really loves you and that life wouldn't exactly be better with out her. Perhaps that awkward silence between you and your spouse and a little sofa time is what you need to realize that snuggling together under the sheets is where it's at and that perhaps that online purchase wasn't such a good idea in the end. Sometimes when your BFF gets P.O.’d at you for not calling them and decides to give you the silent treatment it’s actually a chance for you to realize they weren't such a great friend and you really don't miss them all that much. See, it's not all roses but these supposed relationship problems can sometimes be blessings in disguise if only we read them differently.
Much of life and how it goes for the most part is based on our interpretation and perception of it. We often forget that most of the decisions we make on a daily basis with regards to the ones we love is happening on a highly sophisticated and subconscious level. But, if we could consciously program our brains to delay those instantaneous overreactions we might have a shot at making our relationships better simply by making ourselves better. See, the zombies in Adam Pike’s film could have just gone with their zombie nature but they decided to pursue their love despite the fact that both humans and zombies were against them. Their perception and decision was far stronger than the demands of the status quo. The world out there wants you to believe that problems, hiccups, oddities, and miscommunications are a bad thing. These situations have a bad rap when what they are is the cosmos giving you an opportunity to live and learn. So take a cue from Adam Pike’s film and go against the grain in love and relationships of all types because what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger…unless you’re a zombie and then it just makes you a stinking walking corpse.
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Editor's Word
These are exciting times for us, things are starting to cook. Statistics and all of that crap from the relaunch have been positive. We still haven't reached the pagerank level we were at before relaunching, but I don't care, so neither should you. I just like to try and pretend like I'm important, and write something that's easy to say to start off the newsletter. Lemme think... what actually matters? Oh yeah, we finally have a new columnist! His name is Kyle Gallagher, from Kitchener. Kyle is a radio DJ who's awesomeness is not to be messed with. He's been posting on STSQ for awhile and will now be unifying his efforts under the flag of a new column called 'Letters from Kyle'.
We're also expecting a couple more new columnists to join the team in the near future, but I've sworn to my sensei to keep that shit under wraps for now. All I can say is that there will soon be a little bit more craziness and a new film column.
The New & The Gnarly
Forms & Function
You'll see a growing list of regular columns on the site's left sidebar. If you like what you read please give props to the authors. Now that we've gotten into producing a bit of video, we have a Youtube channel. Please rate our vids and/or comment on them.
Trivial & Modish Mentions
Last newsletter I enclosed a press release announcing our relaunch. I'd like to thank any and all of you who may have forwarded that to your friends and to the media. This time around I have absolutely nothing serious to write about in this section. I'm pretty sure I've covered everything already in the sections above, this here is redundant drivel. It's automatic rambling, I'm not even thinking about what I'm going to say anymore. I could do this all day but the question is, should I? I'll go on for a little while because I suppose it's best to maintain the standard of filing in this section with words. I'm sure it must be excruciating for you to keep on reading. According to one study I was reading recently people don't even read the end of a newsletter anyways, their eyes focus only on the top left and on the headings of emails and webpages. I believe it, people are lazy. Nobody is reading this. Goodnight.
Love and Cheers,
Swail
Editor
Screw The Status Quo
p.s. If you do something to promote the site, we want to hear about it. Send us your address and we'll mail you a cookie! *(chocolate chip or oatmeal, store bought)
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We need your help to grow, so pls:
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It was just announced that Conan O'Brien will be leaving the airwaves after only 7 short months as host of The Tonight Show. We don't have all of the details but it would seem that Conan's departure has something to do with the fact that Jay Leno has a big set of balls and doesn't want to back down from being the king of late night. The ratings are finally proving my earlier suspicions that Jay Leno is an unfunny jagoff that no one really likes. But he does have balls, and I guess he knows how to use them because he's somehow manipulated NBC into returning him to his old spot as The Tonight Show host and subsequently bumping Conan O'Brien off the air. In my humble opinion this will go down in history as one of the biggest blunders in tv history.
In a few months time Conan will have the option of signing with any network he wants and getting the coveted 11:30 time slot he deserves. In the meantime he will be enjoying the MASSIVE severance package he's been given by NBC. Apparently they gave him something like 32 million, and 12 million for his staff. Conan apparently kicked in a serious chunk of change out of his own pocket to boost his staff's severance packages. He did this because he truly is a down-to-earth awesome guy. Everybody loves Conan, including us here at STSQ, and we want to watch his show dammit!
Oh and BTW, Screw Jay Leno! he's always been a sellout loser with his airplane hanger full of fancy cars. I can't even stand to look at his massive over-sized face anymore, let alone ever watch his show. I heard Bill Hicks said that once upon a time he was a pretty cool guy, then when fame came a knockin' he became a totally different person, a hypocrite and a sellout. Anyways, I don't remember a time when I thought Jay Leno was remotely funny or cool and I'm sure he'll fail miserably as The Tonight Show host this time around. Especially if he has to compete with Conan O'Brien in the future.
Conan's last show is tonight and it will feature Tom Hanks, Will Ferrel and Neil Young so don't miss it!
I'm With Coco facebook group:
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